Christmas Greetings!

Merry Christmas! I do love you all and miss those of you back east dearly. I hope one day we can reunite and rebuild bonds that may have been broken. I pray for you all daily and trust that God takes care of you always.

I am truly sorry if I hurt any of you by my absence. But I finally accepted that I can be no good to any of you if I do not go and face myself first.

I do not know when I shall see you all again but when I am ready I shall return.

To My Parents

I now understand more than ever the sacrifice and effort you have made throughout my life to insure my future and to instill in me sold principles to live my life by. During our time together over the past year I see more and more how blessed I truly am to have you as my parents. I hope during our remaining time together I truly glean from the wisdom that you possess so that I can become a man you can be proud to call your son.

To Tess

Many wonder how people from two different worlds can meet and somehow connect. From the beginning I didn’t believe we were that far apart. And when you took the steps to “reach” me, I knew you felt the same way too.

I know we have a lot of plans for the New Year. They are scary, exciting, and filled with hope. Darling lets trust in God to take us there and it will all be possible.

To Everyone Else

Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! And my God bless each and everyone of you!

2009 It Has to Happen Now...

How can I sum up a year with so much change in my life? I don’t think I can. The best effort to do so was this blog.

I am grateful for so many things in this moment. But I must say the biggest has to be my loving parents who’ve shown me over the past year how much they love and support me. I feel like they have literally dug me out from the hole that I was living my life in and put me in a position to restart my life.

This fact was readily apparent as I was driving to Calgary this past weekend, chatting with my close friend Christine over my cell phone, my hand caressing the leather wrapped steering wheel of a high performance sports sedan, and as I looked forward to spending some time with Tess in the downtown area. Just last year I was living in a dump, unemployed, lamenting my stolen bike, and braving the cold while waiting for a TTC bus to come on through.

Yes I have worked my ass off to have the money to be able to afford weekends like this. But were it not for the generosity of Mom and Dad to invite me to live with them for a little bit and their guidance in engineering my financial recovery – I’d still be in that hole which many others still inhabit.

I know I have been incognito for the past few months – barely showing my face online and avoiding friends and family. But I believe it was necessary. Contrary to popular opinion, this is not because I am in a new relationship, even though Tess is now a new much loved priority in my life. I think it was because I needed time to strategize and find the drive to make the most of the new opportunities in my life. There is a life now that I clearly want and I really want to work towards it.

The time is now and I believe this to be my last chance to get my life right. I cannot afford to fail in the ways that I have failed before. I see the bigger picture now and I believe I am finally mature enough to take on the challenge of simply thriving in life.

So it is with a sense of sobriety that I approach the New Year. I thank God for rescuing me and reminding me that it requires something bigger then I to get it all right. I pray He continues to mold me and gives the strength and courage to face what is to come.

Changes...

It is amazes me how the landscape of one’s life can change so drastically over a short period of time. As I write this blog during some seemingly stolen early Sabbath morning moments, I reflect on this truth as my mother and girlfriend sleep close by. We will have a busy Sabbath with me performing at the Red Deer church and then ferrying Tess back home to Banff later on in the day. I wish things didn’t have to be so rushed but Tess and I have to work on Sunday. We do a lot to steal a day or two to be together despite the long traveling distances between us.

I have been in the valley over the past month or so. I know this is rather obvious by my lack of blog entries and my general lack of online updating. However all of it I believe is necessary for be to digest the significance of these past few weeks and hopefully make wise decisions regarding my future in privacy and internally.

The biggest decision I am facing is regarding my “retirement” from my professional career in graphic design. The biggest influence for this decision is that I believe I am no longer the person I was when I graduated from Andrews University in 2002 with my Multimedia degree. I will always love graphics and will be involved in a one creative project or another for the rest of my life but these will be personal undertakings. I think my time at my last graphic design post is also a strong influence in this decision making process. I found the environment very self-serving and it turned me off because a side of me strongly believes that our career should be geared towards the benefit of others and helping them.

My mother has introduced me to the idea of exploring the RPN (Registered Psychiatric Program) offered at a local university here in Alberta. If there is another area that I enjoy it has to be psychology and therapy and I have often wondered what a career I that field would be like. Nursing is also certainly a very marketable career! I am fervently exploring the program online and will be making.

It is hard to give up something that I’ve been involved with for the past 7 years or so but maybe it is time. I feel I’ve grown up a lot in the past year alone here in Alberta. I feel that I am different and I have a new perspective on a lot of things. I have new goals and dreams and I think I should not waste any time in the committed attempt to fulfill them. God's will has many turns.

I realized that such realizations are costly not only to myself but to those around me. However I firmly believe that they are truly necessary. After all the most important lesson in life are always costly.

Steps Foreward...

A breather on a Sunday evening and chance to write out a blog entry: such a rarity these days. So much has transpired since my last offering and it seems impossible to sum it up even now. But here goes my attempt.

First a few comments on recent realizations. I’ve been blind for most of my life. Yes that is my first realization. Just stating it makes me want to kick myself in the ass because I really didn’t get what life was about until recently. I guess a few hours in the wash bay of our rental location will do that to anyone.

Work

I’ve never worked so hard in my entire life at a job. That is the truth. I have not had the discipline or the strength of will to give anything pure effort. But I went into this job having something to prove and regarded it as a sort of last ditch effort to see if I could actually simply work.

It hasn’t been easy. I’ve made every single mistake one could make and I often feel like I’ve even made more. But slowly, with God’s help, I’ve picked myself up and kept pushing - often returning home worn out emotionally and physically.

This past week my manager informed me that I had won the month long fuel selling contest with the highest percentage of fuel sold. An amazing 43 percent of my contracts had fuel sold which even blew me away. When the contest first started, I thought I had no chance at winning but tried to at least keep my numbers on the board.

This win has been the boost I needed to get me game tighter and I am happy to report that I am current at about 90% as far as selling commission worthy products on all my contracts so far this month. Praise God for sending me the right customers!

Friends

I want to thank Ritchey, Franz, Linda, and Karin for inviting me to hang out this past weekend at Gullivers. Good times guys and good food. I know I tend to disappear for weeks on end but you guys always check in and invite me to stuff. I also had fun at Ritchey house listening to you guys rock out in the basement. Glad we finally hooked that up.

End of an Era

When I learned that a certain someone was making the move back to her home overseas, it caused me to take a moment to reflect on back to 2006 and 2007 which I fondly refer to as the “cycling commuter years”.

There were some hard lessons learned because of that experience and I can’t say that I would want to go back to that emotional place ever again. I am grateful for what I have learned and pray daily that I can apply it all to my life now.

I am disappointed when aspects of my character that are still flawed manifest themselves even out here in Alberta. But I pray and hope that God continues to inspire and work within me to conquer these flaws.

Love

It is hard to explain why this one is so special to me. But on the other hand it may be as simple as hearing her say “I love you” and knowing that she means it with all of what she can give another human being.

Or maybe it is as simple as seeing the efforts she went through to make me feel better. Sadly this is something that I have not experienced in the past at this level.

Wrongs That Must Be Set Right

The bike will be replaced. This is the one thing I know in my heart that needs to be set right. I know I will be content to let everything else go except this one thing. The bike must be replaced this spring.


...creativity is returning... the sleeping graphic designer dragon is awakening...

In the Name of the Father...

I will not be in Red Deer this Friday because I’ll be off to Banff to visit Tess. Also between now and then I’ll be pretty busy so I guess this is the only time I can reserve a moment to pay tribute to my Dad: one who will celebrate his birthday on Friday. [Thank goodness for Facebook who helps me in keeping track of such things!]

I have only in recent years begun to relate to my father. Over my lifetime I’ve always looked up to him as fine example of what a human being should be. He is a dedicated worker, believes very much in education as being the “great equalizer, and an individual who truly relates to many different people. But his ideal has always eluded me throughout my life. I’ve always felt like I could not attain it and have often opted to be the antithesis of it.


With the passing of time, I’ve learned about the human side of my father. He has cautiously lifted the veil to reveal aspects of himself that most would not consider to be so pretty. In fact there are chapters in his deep past that no one would be proud of to have in their record. But rather than disgust me, these revelations bonded me to him in a way that I not experienced before.

Life is indeed journey and each of our journeys is unique. We will all stumble and fall and the fulfillment of our potential is not necessarily based on all the right decisions we make but how we react when we have made bad ones. On the flip side, the people we often shun because they’ve fallen from grace or who are pariah because they’ve stumbled, may very well be our greatest teachers, possessors of deep wisdom, and are the diamonds that are no longer in the preverbal rough.

On his special day I’d like to thank my Dad for teaching me these lessons simply by living his life and being willing to share his story with me. I’d also like to congratulate him on his recent re-election as the Vice President of Administration for the Alberta SDA Conference. The position sounds so important but if anything it means that he must serve many and that is his greatest desire.

Love you Dad!

In You Alone...

I did a “bad” thing on Saturday afternoon and snuck off The Parable to listen to some music in the CD section of the store. Well come on now, it was Christian music and I was looking for some sonic inspiration. Alas, I did pick up a collection of 51 worship song classics after skipping through the tracks on the demo disc player and being excited by what I heard.

I popped the last CD of the triple collection and brought up the In Christ Alone/The Solid Rock tracks and sped off on Highway 2A in no particular direction just wanting to get away for a little bit. The song moved me to tears literally as I drove. I kept it on repeat as my inner emotions were released and I sang along with the choir with my voice cracking as the words continued to move me.

It has been a while since I’ve taken a moment to reflect inwardly to take stock of how things are in my life. Since making the commitment to recover financially from the fiasco of recent years, I’ve just been focusing on putting my time in at work and paying tithe regularly (thanks mom!), paying debts, saving, and planning for my financial future. I thank God that things have slowly come together and now I actually am on the plus side of things.

However it hasn’t been easier and work has steadily become harder over recent weeks and I do come home exhausted and mentally drained. I remember feeling trapped in my jobs in Toronto and I certainly don’t want that to happen here because years tend to pass with a wasted feeling when that happens.

I wish I had been smarter in my youth and thought things through with more clarity and maturity. I know the factors that played into the mistakes that I have made and I thank God that I’ve learned from them.

Let me not downplay all positive things that have happened in my life since moving out here to Alberta! I mean the fact that I could pick up a CD and drive out on highway 2A in my car is a testimony to God’s continued blessing in my life and. The fact that I daily am reminded on how lucky I am to have two wonderful parents who even sacrifice to help put a roof over my head moves me still. I have done nothing to deserve their love and support… true love for real.

But I guess with all the blessing and restoration comes a renewed sense that I cannot afford to screw around anymore. I need to grow up, and man up and do something with the opportunities that God has given to me. Especially now with someone who keeps telling me that she will be there but it is my life and she believes that I can come through and is looking towards me to come through.

My heart warms when I hear her say that but it also trembles because I don’t want to fail her. Happy Monthsary darling...

So I turn to you alone to keep me and fulfill your plan for my life oh Lord, for I know that without you I am nothing and that with you anything is possible. Do not leave me for I am too weak to hold on to you and I need your strength to carry me through. For all you have given I can never repay. So please open my heart and my will so it can be one with yours. You are my life my all.

S.O.W. is Sick!

So I’m up at 6 am on a Sabbath morning listening to the MP3s that Addison sent me to sample the new S.O.W. album which I guess I believe is tentatively named “Plant a Seed”. I have to say that I’m quite impressed with the production value of the songs. I’ve been there from the birth of these songs till now and it has been quite a sonic journey.

I must confess that until I heard these tracks, I had no idea where to go with the design of the album look other than I wanted to tie the color scheme into their Youtube site. I went ahead with a design but after hearing the tracks I know that I would have gone a completely different look just because of the fleshed out sound contributed by new members of the group as well as the production value.

Boy what a week at work. I’m suddenly in a crash course of procedure management especially when it comes to handling different insurance replacement deals. Also I’m finally learning all the nuances of closing contracts which can actually be a pain in the ass because it’s a learn as you go process. I often feel like a tool but hey I guess you gotta pay your dues.

I’ve been so exhausted lately after work I’ve actually skipped my workout for about a month and half now and sadly it shows especially with my occasional trips to Micky D’s. That’s one thing I want to change this weekend, which is to workout this afternoon to start my week off right and avoid the fast food for the rest of October. I loved feeling fit and strong and I don’t want to lose that. Come on muscle memory and shock!


Ms. Pelayo is a bit under the weather and I was fortunate to have two computers running as I worked on my album draft so that I could keep her on Yahoo messenger on Dad’s new uber sweet machine while my machine was able to run Photoshop and Illustrator solo. The webcam on his computer is so clear so sick! Yay free high quality calls and video to Banff! Get well soon babe!

Anyway mom will be home soon… Gotta get rid of the Micky D’s evidence… he he he he…

In It!

There is no reason to keep this a secret any longer. I met the wonderful Ms. Pelayo last May [in fact you track our meeting in my blog. She is briefly mentioned in one of the May entries] and after a few more fateful meetings [now you can really read between the lines through my Falling on the Sword entry] we discovered feelings for each other. We started seriously dating in the beginning of September but we wanted to take the time to ease our friends and family into the idea of us a a couple.

There are aspects of my life that I do keep fairly private even though I rant and rave openly in my blog and on facebook about other matters. This is one of those that I like to keep under wraps. Guess its a characterisitic that I learned from my parents especially my Mom. She strongly believes that what happens and is discussed in the family should stay behind closed doors. She also keeps her relationship with my father under wraps. Only the siblings know how deeply she loves my father and how special their relationship is.

I am so blessed to have met someone who has shown me what it means to be loved. That is the best way to put it and sums up why I am here "in it" with her. Please pray for us as we pray for you.

And yes Kristine we hope to see you all in January!

The Words

In the spring of 2002 Sharon Prest, a digital instructor at Andrews Univeristy gave us an assignment in one of our Ethics courses. A extreme sport enthusiast and photographer she gave us a compeling shot of the words Je’t aime scrawled on a cracked and bullet ridden wall. She then asked us to write a short fiction piece inspired by the impact of the photograph. We had 15 minutes. This is what I wrote.

If I say it, will she understand how much it will take out of me?

The first time I saw her was through bars that contained and parted us. I was leaning on the streat; she was looking at some fruit. The bars were there to keep robbers from breaking into the street market on this generic corner in the middle of a generic european city. They did little to protect me from the attraction that began with a glance.

Her skin was the colour of caramel that coated her slim yet sculpted frame. Her hair was the mane of an African lion: Wild, untamed, yet carried with the grace of feminine royalty. Her eyes scrutinized the pepper she cradled in her hand with the refined knowledge of a generation of wise would-be chefs. The way she looked over her proud nose past lips of subtle fire, spoke of a confidance that was born of a lived life.

I stood transfixed and she soon parried my stare.

"If you’re going to continue to stare for much longer, you’re going to have to at least help me find the right one."

She said in an instantly recognizable accent that spoke of studies in a little villa in New Zealand or on the club scene in South African.

"Even that isn’t free."

I felt the colour rush to my cheeks and suddenly I was 16 nervously fumbling over how to not trip into my highschool crush in the lunch line. You know the one. Somehow you became Lothar King of the Neanderthals and even if she gave you a second of her time, you’d always managed to go idiot in that same instant.

How could I tell her I was a photographer and that I had the sudden urge to take her picture and add tangibility to an even now cherished memory? How could I tell her that with all that I had experienced and all that I had captured in the last three months, a moment of pure beauty was a welcome relief? And how could I tell her that seeing her brought air to the starving lungs of my belief that there could still be some good in this world?

"I’m a photographer."

She turned and looked me over and went back to caressing the pepper.

"Well then hurry up and do it then…"

Pause. I wasn’t sure… did she mean… me… camera…

"I have to warn you, " she continued, "there are plenty more sights and people you’ll see here. A lot more interesting than me. So take one and lets get some food, I’m starving."

She took my hand and started leading me down the street.

"And then let’s go find those sites and those people for you…"

Three weeks later we lay across from each other in a hammock on a balcony looking over the street below my hotel room. I digress, as across from each other as her hip would allow mine to travel. The sounds of the street did little to disturb our sanctuary. Our solitude.

"I have to go." I whispered. "It’s what I do."

She got up and walked to the railing and stood there, unwavered in the breeze hinting from the alley’s passageway. I studied her form being sculpted by the caressess of the fleeting gusts that passed through the folds of her sheer dress.

I stood up, walked over, and buried her in my arms.

Her neck nuzzled into mine as she reached up to take me and I felt her lips brush my ears.

"Tell me before you go, "her voice for the first time wavered. "Or else I can’t wait for you."

That night I studied her in the moonlight as the hours passed. I hadn’t said the words in many years. The last time I said them I had only begun to undersand what they truly meant. Was I prepared to say them again?

With me leaving would they have the same meaning when I returned? In all the craziness I had seen around, was it even woth attempting to live up to them again?

This morning as the sun rises on the grain of paradise I have left behind, a bleary eyed figure will step on top of the world and look down at the street. She will be more beautiful than that rising orb of light. And on a bullet kissed granite wall across the street, painted in large letters, are the words.

The words we should all say someday and really mean it.

Daughter of My Mother's People

After 2 weeks of blog incognito, I am finally writing a new entry. Things have been kind of crazy at work with me getting a lot of front desk experience culminating with a day spent at the Budget airport location which is the busiest location in the system. That experience alone has upped my confidence and I would believe competency at that aspect of the job. And we all know competency = sales = more money! One of my contracts along brought in $700 + on top of the rental cost which made my boss super uber happy!

In other news, I finally made it out to Banff on a solo trip this past weekend. I must say that I am even more in love with it than I was when I first visited in 2005 for my college buddy’s wedding (Blanche and Eddie). I also got to take the Nissan which was weirdly cool to take “my car” on that trip. Man how far we have come!

I want to thank Vilma for hooking me up with the suite at the Fox Resort. Ynah for making me feel at home with the all the local Flips. Reeza for inviting me to her birthday party. Sharmane, Joe, Ja Jan ad Je for starting it all. Jill, Ate Daisy and Tita Ledia for supervising. And of course “Mary” Tes: your smile wins me every time!

I didn’t realize how much I missed hanging out with my parent’s people till I got to spend time with these wonderful folks. There are a lot of Filipinos in Banff who are connected to the booming hospitality industry. They’ve developed quite the reputation of being hardworking and industrious… definitely something to be proud of. In a way I feel I’ve found a lost tribe of WBFM members. (Those of you who know what I’m taking about are probably members too. I love and miss you guys so much!)



So Lily rocked it at Janice’s wedding! I’m proud of my little sister and all that she has faced and overcome. But probably the most important accomplishment she has done and is still doing is being a mom to my nephew Calvin. On a side note, I’m still laughing about how some people need to just live their life decisions and not drown them out with the bottle. Suck it up dude, we all have too at some point! I know I am out here and that crap will just slow or destroy what can be a positive process. But I’ll leave it at that.

Oh yes and Chris rocked it while chillin with NKTOB! I'm so happy for you and you totally are with that celebrity status vibe.

Anyway I’m focusing on December and taking what I’ve learned about my body and really applying it in the next few months. I want to close out the year feeling like I made significant progress in my health goals. With God’s help it all possible.

Stay tuned… The saga of Romil is far from over.

Fear is the mind killer...

Fear is the mind killer
I will face my fear
I will let it pass through me

I am a desert creature.

I really like the Dune series by Frank Herbert for the preceding lines alone. In less then 5 lines, this master epic writer has summed up the essence of overcoming negativity in the human experience characterized by self doubt born of fear. The final line suggest that ultimate obstacle in our way is indeed ourselves. In the end self realization and identity are thought to be foundation of a safeguard against the invasion and crippling effect of fear.

Some have said that the hypocrisy found in the church leadership has caused them to turn their backs on it. My response is: as long as any form of earthly human influence is present, even the best of us have the seeds of the worst evil within us. Such is the human condition. Hence no earthly institution, no matter how divinely blessed, is completely immune from negativity.

Where are the threads that unite these seemingly disjoined thoughts? Well if self realization and identity are the safeguards against fear, what do these processes reveal? I suggest that no matter how self-aware you become, and even though you make significant improvements to your ability to master all aspects of your existence, you will still realize the need for a higher power in your life. There is no escaping the human condition. I would even suggest further that all existing human life needs this higher power.

Pride, a byproduct of fear, shuns the idea of dependency. Independent existence devoid of need of anything outside of oneself is looked on as being ideal and anything less is weakness. But what if the opposite, and I believe this to be truth, is true?

Again Romil, what are you getting at? Simply put. No church will ever save you. No man made institution can. If there is any saving to be done, and there is, only God can.

But since we are created in the image of God who is a social being… and here is where things once again become cyclical… because He is a social being… hence our creation cause the Big Dude was lonely… we do benefit from the existence of a church. Just like a hospital is ultimately not a very pleasant place to be during an outbreak of a horrible disease… it may not always to be pleasant in the church… but it is the best place to be when we need to be close to the cure source.

And sometimes our earthly vision is so poor that the only reflection of God we see is the one he places into those who exists around us…

The randomness of my reflection

leave splashes of realization.
Here.

There.

Everywhere.

Throwing Myself on The Sword and Being Cool with It...

As we sat facing each other in comfortable reclining chairs that were quite a luxury considering just outside were simple campsite cabins, I could feel the friction between my father and I building like mismatched gears. The weight of his experience and wisdom threatened to swallow my stubbornness. I just would not relent.

The more time I spend with my father, and observe him as he carries out his ministry here in Alberta, the more I marvel at his ability to read people. Walls that often block many do not do so for him. The problem is that I understand much of what he does and have built a resistance to it. Or so I’d like to think.

“Dad you know what you are ‘not’ asking me to do is basically going to kill any chance of me… Well you know… Not that I am looking for that… Cause of my priorities… But still if the possibility exists… And who is to say that it would even would play out negatively because of me… I’m just me you know…”

“Anak you are correct… But shouldn’t we err on the side of trying to do the right thing? ”

I hate it when he pulls out that card.

“These people are new. They don’t know anybody. They might already feel left out. You know what its like to be new…”

Flashback to Glendale, California in the mid 80s. My father behind a Veggie Hot Dog stand in the hot California sun making minimum wage. A Veggie hot dog stand no less! My entire family sleeping on a mat in a room not much bigger then most teenage bedrooms. Culture shock. My first encounter with prejudice because of race. Rejection by a church organization that my father had dedicated his life to serving on so many levels.

Yeah I knew what it was like to be new.

“If you act the way that you do. You put out the message that you are too proud and that you are on a higher level than them. No matter where we are we should always remember that we serve.”

“Great everyone is going to think that it is something it really isn't.”

He smiled.

“Since when did my son care what people think about him as long as he knows that he is doing what is right.”

He got me.

While what I did next did not exactly solve world hunger I’d like to think that it let a few people feel like they were appreciated and accepted. Plus I feel I met someone truly sweet and beautiful who'll probably be a great friend.

In the end, I guess if the tables were reversed and I was feeling like an austrasized and out of place... I’d want someone to reach out and say…

“You’re worth being with.”

The Saga continues. The story of Romil is far from over...

See what I see...

Driving through Red Deer on Thursday evening I caught a gorgeous sunset and regretted that I did not have my cell cam with me. It was the perfect image unfolding over field of evenly growing grass. These types of pictures are gifts where a photographer has little to do but press the button on his machine and let the lenses do the rest.

I find myself to have been fortunate to go through my photo training on the tail end of the traditional era. Yeah I had to slave away in the darkroom hour upon hour in relentless pursuit of that perfect image. I remember shooting on a classic manual Pentax SLR and wondering if everything was in working order while I tried to equally focus on capturing a worthy image. No instant gratification here. It could be days before you could view what you had shot. I often wondered when that magical moment would happen when I’d be in the zone and earn my “eye”. It took longer then I expected and I still struggle to create relevant images.

These days I consider myself somewhat of a rebel in the sense that amongst the onslaught of technology laden digital rigs that anyone with money to blow out their collective asses can buy; I’m using the equivalent of a modern day Brownie to capture my stuff. Yes my Photoshop experience is a huge help in making my finds presentable in my Facebook albums but I rely mainly on traditionally based aspects of the software to tweak the basics of levels and curves. No fancy plugins or effects here. You can almost smell that lovely oily and eggy essence of my sepia shots as if they were just pulled out of the chemical bath in a darkroom.

And here are my favorite shots from what I’ve been working on for the past little bit:



This shot was taken when I first moved to Alberta. I was dealing with a lot of doubt, fear, and loss in my life and seeing this scene unfold outside my study window gave me a moment of pure peace.



The first shot I took artistically with the sepia setting on my cell phone camera. Even in the instant preview sans imaging correction I knew that I had stumbled on a new personal creative avenue. I love this Christian iconography that still bears deep spiritual meaning to me.

This shot draws some sharp criticism from many of my Facebook friends. And I welcome it all. Far from being homosexual I see it as an image of self-confrontation which can be an exhausting experience but necessary for one to grow. There is indeed an underlying sensual aspect to the shot. But for those who seek real intimacy the realization should be that in order to be this close to someone else you need to be whole within yourself first.

I really did not want to go to Bently with my father. I knew that it would be another obscure church and it seemed as if my Dad had been laxed in his preparation for his sermon. I was in no good Sabbath mood. However when I walked into the church I saw this shot and took it quickly. The balance is simple yet elegant.

Goals, Dreams, Passings, and Oshcogoshco...

My muscles are pretty sore after today’s workout. But I guess that’s a good thing. I sort of put off my workouts to a bare minimum while I was transitioning back to a regular 9 to 5 job because I wanted to devote myself to doing that well. Now that I’m feeling a bit more comfortable with the new schedule it was time to return to my fitness goals.

Just in case anyone was wondering what my fitness goals are. They are simple. I want to be cycling ready for spring of 2009. Essentially I want to be able to fit well into my cycling kit without looking like I’m lugging around a bag of lard. I’m not sure if it’s a vanity thing because I think that fitting well into a kit naturally transfers to performing decently on a bike.

I’m still torn between whether I should go all out with a road bike or stick to the commuter style. I’m itching to get onto a road bike because I’ve always leaned toward that side of the sport rather than mountain biking. I know that goes against the grain of cycling trends but I was never much for following trends er much… On the other hand I fell in love with the hybrid/commuters of the industyr while living in Toronto . And since I’m gearing every effort over the next little bit towards that…


Anyway, there is still a bit of saving up of my pennies before I can even go shopping for a quality machine. Sorry, Romil does not skimp on his budget when comes to tricking out his ride. I want it all in one fell swoop.


On another note… Somewhat related to cycling and commuting… The explosion that rocked the Keele and Wilson area of Toronto early this morning was uncomfortablyclose to the route that I took to get to work for latter part of my tenure at Trader Media Corp. I’ve pedaled by that location pretty much at full tilt at ungodly hours many a time. (…lit up like a Christmas tree with my Cateye night system and trying to make it to the next lit road spot. Good times!)

Makes you think about things a bit…

Also the passing of Bernie Mac and Issac Hayes kinda made me take a moment to reflect on mortality and the trappings of success. This is especially true as I’m thinking about the future and what is in store for my personal life. Are my dreams sound? Are my goals in line with God’s will? It is nice to be able to plan and believe that these plans are achievable. However the balance of it all is pretty precarious…

So... another work day tomorrow and it looks like we’re gonna have a busy morning. Just gotta focus on the keeping the day going and reaching next Friday where I’ll treat myself to a frosty at Wendy’s and a bit of time in the cycling section of Chapters! (Yeah that’s how this guy chills on his day off!)

Happy birthday to my younger sibling! Gosh we’re getting up there aren’t we? But you’re still Oshcogoshco to me. I love you!

Driving the Beast

Life presents pivotal moments that define for us who we are and more importantly, give us a glimpse into whom we have the potential of becoming.

These thoughts were furthest from my mind as my work boot clad foot mounted the step up the side of a brand new 5 ton International cargo truck. In that moment all I kept telling myself was that I could do this and it all would begin with making it safely into the driver’s cabin.

Earlier my coworker Justin and I had been ordered to pick up the truck by our supervisor Liz. While I had been promised a debrief on the workings of these shadow of semi truck monsters weeks before, the look that Justin shot me let me know that this was going to be a sink or swim scenario. Justin doesn’t say much but his eyes speak volumes. He wasn’t driving. That left me.

I freaked out for a moment as I positioned myself in the captain’s style chair. Where the hell do you put the key? There was no slot to speak of on the right hand side of the steering wheel shaft. Come to think of it no gear shift lever either. I might as well have been handed over the controls to the Enterprise and been ordered to bring it to warp speed. [Ode to practically everyone in Toronto circa 94 who seemed to be a Trekkie!]

I was being hard on myself. I had done 3 contracts earlier in the day and I wasn’t happy with my salesmanship. I did find it humorous that a guy who had preached, done musical performances, and taught in front of large groups of people was a now a constant nervous wreak when dealing with customers. Somewhere inside I knew it had to do with confidence and belief. The weight of this type of awareness often compounds things. Case and point, even THAT realization was crippling.

The key slot was on the left hand side right beside the parking brake. The monster came to life and I faced the next challenge: backing the beast into a blind turn. As I coaxed the oversized steering wheel into what seemed an impossible turn, I could feel entire truck lean over as if there were was crowd of people in the trailer shifting all their weight to one side. "She is gonna capsize captain!"

Every morning I wake up to a prayer. I thank God for life. I thank Him for mercy. I thank him for bringing me here. I pray for wisdom. I pray for blessing. I pray for simple common sense. It is more than ritual; it is acknowledgement of my need for the essential and recognition that the source is greater than I.

Somehow I make it out of the parking lot and onto the main road without incident. Then I negotiate my first left hand turn through an intersection. Shoot out wide and then turn left. Later I make it safely pass a blocked lane and realize that mirrors are truly my friend in this venture. A bit later I pull into the Budget parking lot and successfully reverse into the trucks designated parking spot.

Perfect. ...Woo hoo!...

Leading, Following, and Chilling...

So I’m taking a few moments in the early morning hours of my day off to write up a blog. Yeah the month of July was pretty sparse as far as blogging is concerned. That’s largely due to the fact that I started working again and wow has that been a harsh adjustment for me but in the overall, a good thing.

Work has given me the opportunity to see what is out here in Red Deer and I’ve made quite a few trips to Calgary over the past 3 weeks as well. I cannot stress enough that I am totally out of element at work and here in this prairie province. They say that stepping outside of your element can actually be a self-defining experience for an individual. I totally agree.
Somewhere along the way I’ve definitely become a city boy. I miss the urban landscape and cycling through it on my bike. I realize now that even if I was to buy another car again, (and I plan too! Not sure about the Beemer Dream but definitely something fun!) I would still have a high performance bike that I’d use primarily during my work week. I guess everyone has a picture of their ideal life and this scenario is definitely a part of mine.

If God wanted me to face myself by orchestrating my life events to lead me to this place, the plan has so far been successful. I’ve had plenty of alone time to think about the decisions that I’ve made since moving back to Toronto in 02. Man was I ever immature and misguided and I feel that I am paying for a lot of my mistakes. But I honestly hope that there is a statute of limitations on the pay-back process. I hope that a man can truly turn his life around and have a better future with help from above. I hope that with forgiveness that there is truly also the existence of a second, third, and fourth chance. (I definitely need a few to get my shit together!)

It hasn’t all been horrible. I have been blessed every single day and in very humbling ways. I am discovering how much I appreciate my friends and how even when I am not the best to them, there are truly loyal ones who keep me in their lives and consider me to be essential part of them. My parental units have been there through it all and have showered me with undeserving love and support. I’m glad for this time with them. My siblings, despite the distance, stay a big part of my life as well, and I feel that we are closer then we have been in the past. In the end what can define a man more than whom he has in his life.

The Lord knows me and what is essential to me and what can change. I pray daily for the courage to embrace change should it happen but also that He gives me the security to know that I am going somewhere, I am needed, and that I matter. He knows my loves, my wants, and most importantly my needs better than I know myself. Reliance is part of the learning process.
I am still learning.

As For Me and My House...

Vulnerability is a trait frowned upon by many and yet it is characteristic to human existence. Compared to even some of God’s other earthly creations the human form in all its glory, is pretty pathetic. Rhino, Elephant, and an Eagle with issues… Yeah not hard predict who’d win these matchups.

If anything it is human ego that stands in our way of seeing this truth. Sometimes we can be so full of it that we blinded to how a very thin line forms the border between us and harm. On the other hand, those of us who are aware, also run from this truth by hiding behind pretense and false bravado. Ah, the human condition. Can we truly say that we can improve ourselves through focused effort? Thoughts to ponder…

As for me and my house. A house of 1. A single point has been driven time and time again during my stay here: I am out of element. And that is more to do with life on this planet rather than location. I am out of my element and I need constant guidance, mercy, and care from my Heavenly Father to navigate through the fog.

They say you’re future unfolds as you lay dreaming about it…

Quite a number of years ago a dear friend of mine introduced me to the concept of writing out my top 10 goals for my future. Don’t know if I followed through on that but I figure now is a good time to list them out anew. So here are my top ten goals for the next 2 years beginning with the first five in this entry.

-Experience God’s will and love in my life in a tangible way.
-Finish my Master’s Degree.
-Obtain my Adobe Photoshop & InDesign ACE exams.
-Reach “cycling ready” fitness level.
-Clear all debt and restore credit rating.

Anyway still a bit under the weather so I’mma take a break and sleep for a bit. Back to the grind… er pressure washer tomorrow!!!

Me and My Porsche...

I am so dog gone tired. I’m also a bit under the weather. I guess that is because I wasn’t very healthy this week. Let us see I had 3 Ice Caps from Timmy’s and horrors an upsized McDonald’s Quarter Pounder Meal in the midweek. Horrors! So no surprise that I got the sore throat and chills going on…

The highlight of my week, other than get phone calls and emails from my T-dot friends, certainly had to be finally getting replacement glasses from my parents. As you know, they got me a set for my birthday but we were not happy with the final results and had to return the product back to the vendors. We took a full refund and I decided to wait to consult my personal optician, Christine regarding the nuances of eyewear choice. Armed with that information I approached the vendors at Hauck located in the Parkland Mall here in Red Deer.

I had glanced through their selection at an earlier date and fell in love with the Porsche frame line. I quickly picked out a pair of P8000 series titanium frames and opted for Nikon 1.74 high-index lenses which are currently the most cutting edge of all lens designs. The optician told me that my lenses would take about a month to arrive from Japan since they were a specialty item. I told them I had waited over a year to replace my Perry Ellis frames and one month would not hurt especially if I liked the end results.

Surprisingly, due to an early shipment of lenses, my eyewear was ready yesterday evening and I had my glasses on my face sooner than I thought. I am stoked about that development and I love my new eyewear. They definitely take my look into a new direction while keeping the same general vibe. And gosh are they light!!!

Anyway I had better go eat supper and hit the sack early. I don’t feel very well and I good long sleep with will do me good. Before go I’d like the thank Andrea for keeping my company this week and for the book. I hope find time to read it and explore what appears to be a fascinating world!

The Journey...

So I’m totally enjoying my day off and figured it has been a while since I wrote anything in my blog. Well, here goes…

I’m really grateful that I got the job at Budget mainly because I think that even while I’m in school I can work on my financial future. I really don’t want to come out on the other hand with nothing in savings and having debt. I also see it as an opportunity to work on replacing my bike and invest in some digital imaging equipment.

I must confess that I am a bit intimidated by the being completely out of realm when it comes to customer service, but I guess it is something worth exploring especially within the relative safety of living with my parental units for the moment. After all isn’t the history of my family based on dealing with challenging situations?

This past weekend saw the close of the 2008 Alberta Campmeeting and I must confess that I have mixed feelings about the whole affair. While there were some really nice moments where I was reminded that I was loved by God, I still feel disconnected from the SDA church.

I was reminded that I couldn’t look to anyone else as perfect Christian examples and so much plays into a person’s spirituality more so than what religion they belong too. Moments like that made me feel lonely but I realize the loneliness stems from the fact that I need to spend more time with God and concentrate on where He is leading me. Otherwise I will be overwhelmed by the choices and options out there.

For now I am content to focus on my goals and dreams with the understanding that modification, setback, and re-evaluation are all part of the journey.

Reflections on The Way...

I’m glad this Sunday is off to a relatively low key start. I have a lot to accomplish this week including gauging how long it will take me to cover the material for my InDesign ACE exam. There is a ton of material to cover and for the next two weeks I’ll be focusing on the layout review which will be 16% (the largest portion) of the exam according to the reviewer.

I went with Mom and Dad to the African Association Campmeeting yesterday and it all went ok. I enjoyed the song services because they put an African spin on practically every song and they did so singing acapella! (Come to think of it, are there any African inspired songs that don’t do well acapella?) But the service dragged on long and I snuck out of the Canadian University College (CUC) gym (or was it the high school gym? Not sure.) where the camp meeting was being held, and headed for the College Heights SDA church to see if I could catch the sermon of Bill Santos (who was the keynote speaker for the day).

I was only going to catch a few minutes of his sermon but I was drawn in by his message. Although his exact words escape me, the gist of the sermon was grounded in the concept of finding our purpose through self-denial and a commitment to God. This spoke to me because I’ve experienced many upheavals during the past year or so where I’ve lost sight of any sense of purpose. And even though I have new goals now the seeds of doubt and fear do sprout and I often still wonder if I can do this. Also, more importantly, am I intended to do this?

I would like to say that I had a Hollywood moment and the answer just appeared miraculously on the wall. But this was not so. I just had profound sense of lack and that I indeed needed help. Not the kind of help that you look inwards to find (a route or belief system that seems so popular these days). Rather there was a sense that Devine intervention was an option I truly needed to give a chance.

One of the aspects of self-denial is reliance and or dependence on a greater power. This dependence runs through every aspect of living so much so that even the power to let go and trust is even provided through this dependence. Whether you ascribe to this concept or not, you have to admit that it is indeed deep. I, for one, would really like to give it a try.

To those of a Christian background this may all seem cliché, but how many of us have actually given the fundamental core of our belief system a chance? And by chance I mean a wholehearted effort grounded in the understanding that even the ability to stick to that effort is provided for if we reach out in faith and trust?

Lookin' For The ACE Up My Sleeve...

Hello kids! I know I usually fill out an extensive blog pretty much every day of a “normal” week but this week I’m streamlining things a bit. This is because, after working on my Master’s Degree for the past 3 months and making that my sole focus, I’m adding a few more goals to the mix.

Of equal priority to my degree are the Adobe Certified Expert (ACE) exams. These exams were instituted by Adobe [the premiere graphics software manufacturer and creator of Photoshop] in 1995 of means of setting a standard for graphic’s professionals. In short, they are the equivalent of board exams for other professions like nursing and physical therapy. (And believe me the sample questions appear just as hard as an MCAT sample! Of course I'm biased and my view is slanted.)

While becoming an “ACE” is not currently a prerequisite to working most jobs in the industry, the field is dynamically changing and they soon could be. I am focusing on these exams for two reasons: 1. Prepping for and passing them would solidify my confidence in my software skills. 2. The ACE exams are prerequisites to the Adobe Certified Instructor (ACI) exams which, after I take those, would solidify my confidence to instruct software at the university level.

Hence the cutback in extracurricular activity, including my daily blogging, because the review material for my first ACE exam is quite extensive. While I am familiar with the material, I know I have to bump up my sharpness a few notches before I would be ready to take my first exam. I have allowed myself a 9 week prep window commencing fully this coming week.

In other news I have an interview tomorrow afternoon with Vector Marketing. I’ve been considering working for while now because I’d like to start saving some money and replace my bike. (Note: Aren't the lines on the Specialized Tarmac SL2 below simply lovely?) However I’ve been skeptical because I know the exams and school are the priority and they certainly cannot suffer because of work. I also don’t want it mess with my workout schedule which is producing such good results in my health progress. I’m still a bit nawt sure as I read through their website but I figure I’ll give them a shot and any interview can be a source of training for future opportunities... so bring it!

Tomorrow Dad and I will be going to the Ponoka Stampede. Yee Haw! He figures I’ve been cooped out in the house for a bit so he figures we’ll go watch some cows! I’ll be sure and post pictures!

Anyway I’ll write more on Sabbath afternoon. For now have a great Friday ya’ll!