In You Alone...

I did a “bad” thing on Saturday afternoon and snuck off The Parable to listen to some music in the CD section of the store. Well come on now, it was Christian music and I was looking for some sonic inspiration. Alas, I did pick up a collection of 51 worship song classics after skipping through the tracks on the demo disc player and being excited by what I heard.

I popped the last CD of the triple collection and brought up the In Christ Alone/The Solid Rock tracks and sped off on Highway 2A in no particular direction just wanting to get away for a little bit. The song moved me to tears literally as I drove. I kept it on repeat as my inner emotions were released and I sang along with the choir with my voice cracking as the words continued to move me.

It has been a while since I’ve taken a moment to reflect inwardly to take stock of how things are in my life. Since making the commitment to recover financially from the fiasco of recent years, I’ve just been focusing on putting my time in at work and paying tithe regularly (thanks mom!), paying debts, saving, and planning for my financial future. I thank God that things have slowly come together and now I actually am on the plus side of things.

However it hasn’t been easier and work has steadily become harder over recent weeks and I do come home exhausted and mentally drained. I remember feeling trapped in my jobs in Toronto and I certainly don’t want that to happen here because years tend to pass with a wasted feeling when that happens.

I wish I had been smarter in my youth and thought things through with more clarity and maturity. I know the factors that played into the mistakes that I have made and I thank God that I’ve learned from them.

Let me not downplay all positive things that have happened in my life since moving out here to Alberta! I mean the fact that I could pick up a CD and drive out on highway 2A in my car is a testimony to God’s continued blessing in my life and. The fact that I daily am reminded on how lucky I am to have two wonderful parents who even sacrifice to help put a roof over my head moves me still. I have done nothing to deserve their love and support… true love for real.

But I guess with all the blessing and restoration comes a renewed sense that I cannot afford to screw around anymore. I need to grow up, and man up and do something with the opportunities that God has given to me. Especially now with someone who keeps telling me that she will be there but it is my life and she believes that I can come through and is looking towards me to come through.

My heart warms when I hear her say that but it also trembles because I don’t want to fail her. Happy Monthsary darling...

So I turn to you alone to keep me and fulfill your plan for my life oh Lord, for I know that without you I am nothing and that with you anything is possible. Do not leave me for I am too weak to hold on to you and I need your strength to carry me through. For all you have given I can never repay. So please open my heart and my will so it can be one with yours. You are my life my all.