Throwing Myself on The Sword and Being Cool with It...

As we sat facing each other in comfortable reclining chairs that were quite a luxury considering just outside were simple campsite cabins, I could feel the friction between my father and I building like mismatched gears. The weight of his experience and wisdom threatened to swallow my stubbornness. I just would not relent.

The more time I spend with my father, and observe him as he carries out his ministry here in Alberta, the more I marvel at his ability to read people. Walls that often block many do not do so for him. The problem is that I understand much of what he does and have built a resistance to it. Or so I’d like to think.

“Dad you know what you are ‘not’ asking me to do is basically going to kill any chance of me… Well you know… Not that I am looking for that… Cause of my priorities… But still if the possibility exists… And who is to say that it would even would play out negatively because of me… I’m just me you know…”

“Anak you are correct… But shouldn’t we err on the side of trying to do the right thing? ”

I hate it when he pulls out that card.

“These people are new. They don’t know anybody. They might already feel left out. You know what its like to be new…”

Flashback to Glendale, California in the mid 80s. My father behind a Veggie Hot Dog stand in the hot California sun making minimum wage. A Veggie hot dog stand no less! My entire family sleeping on a mat in a room not much bigger then most teenage bedrooms. Culture shock. My first encounter with prejudice because of race. Rejection by a church organization that my father had dedicated his life to serving on so many levels.

Yeah I knew what it was like to be new.

“If you act the way that you do. You put out the message that you are too proud and that you are on a higher level than them. No matter where we are we should always remember that we serve.”

“Great everyone is going to think that it is something it really isn't.”

He smiled.

“Since when did my son care what people think about him as long as he knows that he is doing what is right.”

He got me.

While what I did next did not exactly solve world hunger I’d like to think that it let a few people feel like they were appreciated and accepted. Plus I feel I met someone truly sweet and beautiful who'll probably be a great friend.

In the end, I guess if the tables were reversed and I was feeling like an austrasized and out of place... I’d want someone to reach out and say…

“You’re worth being with.”

The Saga continues. The story of Romil is far from over...

See what I see...

Driving through Red Deer on Thursday evening I caught a gorgeous sunset and regretted that I did not have my cell cam with me. It was the perfect image unfolding over field of evenly growing grass. These types of pictures are gifts where a photographer has little to do but press the button on his machine and let the lenses do the rest.

I find myself to have been fortunate to go through my photo training on the tail end of the traditional era. Yeah I had to slave away in the darkroom hour upon hour in relentless pursuit of that perfect image. I remember shooting on a classic manual Pentax SLR and wondering if everything was in working order while I tried to equally focus on capturing a worthy image. No instant gratification here. It could be days before you could view what you had shot. I often wondered when that magical moment would happen when I’d be in the zone and earn my “eye”. It took longer then I expected and I still struggle to create relevant images.

These days I consider myself somewhat of a rebel in the sense that amongst the onslaught of technology laden digital rigs that anyone with money to blow out their collective asses can buy; I’m using the equivalent of a modern day Brownie to capture my stuff. Yes my Photoshop experience is a huge help in making my finds presentable in my Facebook albums but I rely mainly on traditionally based aspects of the software to tweak the basics of levels and curves. No fancy plugins or effects here. You can almost smell that lovely oily and eggy essence of my sepia shots as if they were just pulled out of the chemical bath in a darkroom.

And here are my favorite shots from what I’ve been working on for the past little bit:



This shot was taken when I first moved to Alberta. I was dealing with a lot of doubt, fear, and loss in my life and seeing this scene unfold outside my study window gave me a moment of pure peace.



The first shot I took artistically with the sepia setting on my cell phone camera. Even in the instant preview sans imaging correction I knew that I had stumbled on a new personal creative avenue. I love this Christian iconography that still bears deep spiritual meaning to me.

This shot draws some sharp criticism from many of my Facebook friends. And I welcome it all. Far from being homosexual I see it as an image of self-confrontation which can be an exhausting experience but necessary for one to grow. There is indeed an underlying sensual aspect to the shot. But for those who seek real intimacy the realization should be that in order to be this close to someone else you need to be whole within yourself first.

I really did not want to go to Bently with my father. I knew that it would be another obscure church and it seemed as if my Dad had been laxed in his preparation for his sermon. I was in no good Sabbath mood. However when I walked into the church I saw this shot and took it quickly. The balance is simple yet elegant.

Goals, Dreams, Passings, and Oshcogoshco...

My muscles are pretty sore after today’s workout. But I guess that’s a good thing. I sort of put off my workouts to a bare minimum while I was transitioning back to a regular 9 to 5 job because I wanted to devote myself to doing that well. Now that I’m feeling a bit more comfortable with the new schedule it was time to return to my fitness goals.

Just in case anyone was wondering what my fitness goals are. They are simple. I want to be cycling ready for spring of 2009. Essentially I want to be able to fit well into my cycling kit without looking like I’m lugging around a bag of lard. I’m not sure if it’s a vanity thing because I think that fitting well into a kit naturally transfers to performing decently on a bike.

I’m still torn between whether I should go all out with a road bike or stick to the commuter style. I’m itching to get onto a road bike because I’ve always leaned toward that side of the sport rather than mountain biking. I know that goes against the grain of cycling trends but I was never much for following trends er much… On the other hand I fell in love with the hybrid/commuters of the industyr while living in Toronto . And since I’m gearing every effort over the next little bit towards that…


Anyway, there is still a bit of saving up of my pennies before I can even go shopping for a quality machine. Sorry, Romil does not skimp on his budget when comes to tricking out his ride. I want it all in one fell swoop.


On another note… Somewhat related to cycling and commuting… The explosion that rocked the Keele and Wilson area of Toronto early this morning was uncomfortablyclose to the route that I took to get to work for latter part of my tenure at Trader Media Corp. I’ve pedaled by that location pretty much at full tilt at ungodly hours many a time. (…lit up like a Christmas tree with my Cateye night system and trying to make it to the next lit road spot. Good times!)

Makes you think about things a bit…

Also the passing of Bernie Mac and Issac Hayes kinda made me take a moment to reflect on mortality and the trappings of success. This is especially true as I’m thinking about the future and what is in store for my personal life. Are my dreams sound? Are my goals in line with God’s will? It is nice to be able to plan and believe that these plans are achievable. However the balance of it all is pretty precarious…

So... another work day tomorrow and it looks like we’re gonna have a busy morning. Just gotta focus on the keeping the day going and reaching next Friday where I’ll treat myself to a frosty at Wendy’s and a bit of time in the cycling section of Chapters! (Yeah that’s how this guy chills on his day off!)

Happy birthday to my younger sibling! Gosh we’re getting up there aren’t we? But you’re still Oshcogoshco to me. I love you!

Driving the Beast

Life presents pivotal moments that define for us who we are and more importantly, give us a glimpse into whom we have the potential of becoming.

These thoughts were furthest from my mind as my work boot clad foot mounted the step up the side of a brand new 5 ton International cargo truck. In that moment all I kept telling myself was that I could do this and it all would begin with making it safely into the driver’s cabin.

Earlier my coworker Justin and I had been ordered to pick up the truck by our supervisor Liz. While I had been promised a debrief on the workings of these shadow of semi truck monsters weeks before, the look that Justin shot me let me know that this was going to be a sink or swim scenario. Justin doesn’t say much but his eyes speak volumes. He wasn’t driving. That left me.

I freaked out for a moment as I positioned myself in the captain’s style chair. Where the hell do you put the key? There was no slot to speak of on the right hand side of the steering wheel shaft. Come to think of it no gear shift lever either. I might as well have been handed over the controls to the Enterprise and been ordered to bring it to warp speed. [Ode to practically everyone in Toronto circa 94 who seemed to be a Trekkie!]

I was being hard on myself. I had done 3 contracts earlier in the day and I wasn’t happy with my salesmanship. I did find it humorous that a guy who had preached, done musical performances, and taught in front of large groups of people was a now a constant nervous wreak when dealing with customers. Somewhere inside I knew it had to do with confidence and belief. The weight of this type of awareness often compounds things. Case and point, even THAT realization was crippling.

The key slot was on the left hand side right beside the parking brake. The monster came to life and I faced the next challenge: backing the beast into a blind turn. As I coaxed the oversized steering wheel into what seemed an impossible turn, I could feel entire truck lean over as if there were was crowd of people in the trailer shifting all their weight to one side. "She is gonna capsize captain!"

Every morning I wake up to a prayer. I thank God for life. I thank Him for mercy. I thank him for bringing me here. I pray for wisdom. I pray for blessing. I pray for simple common sense. It is more than ritual; it is acknowledgement of my need for the essential and recognition that the source is greater than I.

Somehow I make it out of the parking lot and onto the main road without incident. Then I negotiate my first left hand turn through an intersection. Shoot out wide and then turn left. Later I make it safely pass a blocked lane and realize that mirrors are truly my friend in this venture. A bit later I pull into the Budget parking lot and successfully reverse into the trucks designated parking spot.

Perfect. ...Woo hoo!...

Leading, Following, and Chilling...

So I’m taking a few moments in the early morning hours of my day off to write up a blog. Yeah the month of July was pretty sparse as far as blogging is concerned. That’s largely due to the fact that I started working again and wow has that been a harsh adjustment for me but in the overall, a good thing.

Work has given me the opportunity to see what is out here in Red Deer and I’ve made quite a few trips to Calgary over the past 3 weeks as well. I cannot stress enough that I am totally out of element at work and here in this prairie province. They say that stepping outside of your element can actually be a self-defining experience for an individual. I totally agree.
Somewhere along the way I’ve definitely become a city boy. I miss the urban landscape and cycling through it on my bike. I realize now that even if I was to buy another car again, (and I plan too! Not sure about the Beemer Dream but definitely something fun!) I would still have a high performance bike that I’d use primarily during my work week. I guess everyone has a picture of their ideal life and this scenario is definitely a part of mine.

If God wanted me to face myself by orchestrating my life events to lead me to this place, the plan has so far been successful. I’ve had plenty of alone time to think about the decisions that I’ve made since moving back to Toronto in 02. Man was I ever immature and misguided and I feel that I am paying for a lot of my mistakes. But I honestly hope that there is a statute of limitations on the pay-back process. I hope that a man can truly turn his life around and have a better future with help from above. I hope that with forgiveness that there is truly also the existence of a second, third, and fourth chance. (I definitely need a few to get my shit together!)

It hasn’t all been horrible. I have been blessed every single day and in very humbling ways. I am discovering how much I appreciate my friends and how even when I am not the best to them, there are truly loyal ones who keep me in their lives and consider me to be essential part of them. My parental units have been there through it all and have showered me with undeserving love and support. I’m glad for this time with them. My siblings, despite the distance, stay a big part of my life as well, and I feel that we are closer then we have been in the past. In the end what can define a man more than whom he has in his life.

The Lord knows me and what is essential to me and what can change. I pray daily for the courage to embrace change should it happen but also that He gives me the security to know that I am going somewhere, I am needed, and that I matter. He knows my loves, my wants, and most importantly my needs better than I know myself. Reliance is part of the learning process.
I am still learning.